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conservatism

How many Neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder, plus 300,000 ground troops to invade Iran.

If you can think of other answers, add ’em.

How about these:

You may have heard Neocons are complete idiots, but that’s not true. Some parts are missing.

You can tell which kids will grow up to be Neocons. They’re the ones outsmarted by Silly Putty.

I started to create a Photoshop pic of Kristol and Hume wearing “I’m with stupid” T-shirts, but decided that would be redundant.

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26 Comments

26 Comments

  1. electricgrendel  •  Oct 15, 2006 @3:59 pm

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 36. 10 to write a paper about how the lightbulb will screw itself in if only they blew up the blender in the next room. 20 to sign that letter. 1 to blow up the blender and then five more to continue holding lightbulbs in the socket, waiting for them to screw themselves in and then letting go when they don’t.

  2. Swami  •  Oct 15, 2006 @5:10 pm

    What do you call a neocon who’s got fetal alcohol syndrome?

    normal.

  3. Swami  •  Oct 15, 2006 @5:16 pm

    What do you call a 60 year old compassionate conservative that’s got fetal alchol syndrome?

  4. maha  •  Oct 15, 2006 @5:19 pm

    #3: Bush?

  5. Marshall  •  Oct 15, 2006 @5:56 pm

    Some paltry efforts :

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Can’t be done. They were afraid that admitting that bulbs might fail would be taken as a sign of weakness and might cast doubt on the entire enterprise, so the advance planning calling for spare bulbs was ignored.

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    50. 1 to drop the new bulb on the ground and break it, 14 to write position papers about how it is not really dark, 35 to demean Democrats for being dark-fearing cowards for daring to complain about it.

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    According to Leo Strauss, the fear of the dark is a common weakness of the lower orders, which is best exploited without ever being assuaged.

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Since the Starr Report showed that Clinton demeaned the Presidency by screwing in light bulbs right in the very Oval Office, light bulbs were forbidden there starting January 20th, 2001. Since that date all illumination has been provided by burning small pyres of $ 100 bills.

  6. erinyes  •  Oct 15, 2006 @5:58 pm

    Why in the world would anyone care what Kristol and Hume want?
    I’d like to see both of those bozos shipped off to Iraq or Afghanistan for a taste of battle.
    Give a neocon 2 ball bearings, he’ll break one , loose the other, and tell you Osama Bin Laden stole it.
    How many neocons to screw in a light bulb? Zero, neocons don’t do manual labor.
    Wanna be a neocon for holloween? Just shove a stick up your ass and threaten to bomb everyone in the room.
    To a neocon, “unilateral action” is masturbation.
    What’s the difference between a neocon and a hot air balloon?
    One is a useless whiney gas bag and the other is just a hot air balloon.

  7. erinyes  •  Oct 15, 2006 @6:04 pm

    Maha, fire up the photo shop and do a “Dumb and Dumber” with the boy’s pic.

  8. SteveG  •  Oct 15, 2006 @7:56 pm

    How many neo-cons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None. The non-functioning lightbulb is only being propped up by an evil dictator with wmd’s. If we change the regime, the lightbulb will instantly change itself (into a free market democracy).

    (btw, if General Shinseki says you actually need someone with a ladder to change the lightbulb, fire him.)

  9. Swami  •  Oct 15, 2006 @8:26 pm

    How many neo-cons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    About a dozen more of them than it took to screw our nation.

  10. Bonnie  •  Oct 15, 2006 @10:57 pm

    Ain’t comic relief great!

  11. a517dogg  •  Oct 15, 2006 @11:07 pm

    How many NeoCons does it take to screw in a lightblub?

    One to try first, a second to take him to the ER for burns on his hand, and a third to realize that it’s a bad idea to try to unscrew lightbulbs “preemptively”.

    How many NeoCons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Only liberals believe it’s dark.

  12. facethemusic  •  Oct 15, 2006 @11:09 pm

    How many neo-cons does it take to replace a light bulb?

    Only five, but it will cost billions and billions of dollars and will take more than eight years to complete.

  13. a517dogg  •  Oct 15, 2006 @11:11 pm

    By the way is it just me, or does Brit Hume look like he’s drunk/had a stroke? He’s slurring his words somethin’ fierce.

  14. Swami  •  Oct 16, 2006 @12:25 am

    By the way is it just me, or does Brit Hume look like he’s drunk/had a stroke? He’s slurring his words somethin’ fierce.

    Yeah, I noticed the same thing..Brit looked like I felt the time I dropped Kryptonite. He looked wired and extremely conscious of the forces of gravity. Another thing that drew my curiosity about him was his wardrobe..it seemed a bit vaudevillian, like he should be wearing spats to balance the activity of the crest area.. I saw donkeys on his tie and a flag pin on his lapel..and that screamed contradiction.

  15. justme  •  Oct 16, 2006 @4:45 am

    How many neocons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

    Well now that would be “hard work” so instead they stand basking in the glow of a lightbulb that may never have worked demanding we all see the glow they see…why go to all the trouble to change the lightbulb when you can get people to believe a burned out bulb really works?…Turns out the jokes on us.

    And for those stubborn,non-believers: Your either with us or against us.The light IS on, you can’t see it because you love the terrorists…Do you see it now?

    The lightbulb doesn’t need changed.Change is bad.Change is cutting and running…Do you want to cut and run?Stay the course.Those who claim it is not working are defeatists….if the lightbulb ever stops working it will be all their fault… they WISHED us to fail with all their burned out bulb talk…traitors!

    Now stop all that damn thinking and look at the bright light!

  16. JollyRoger  •  Oct 16, 2006 @9:28 am

    How do you know a neocon has just applied for a job with your company?

    He asks which study materials would be helpful for his upcoming urine test.

  17. Gordon  •  Oct 16, 2006 @9:58 am

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None. They’re all cowering in the next room. Electricity leaks.

  18. joanr16  •  Oct 16, 2006 @1:19 pm

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    What does it matter, since their nuclear power plant has just gone critical anyway.

  19. Swami  •  Oct 16, 2006 @1:44 pm

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    It would take three, except Bill and Hillary walked off with the bulb when they left the White House.

  20. Gag Halfrunt  •  Oct 16, 2006 @1:56 pm

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    One hundred. Ten to write op-eds about bringing the Light of Freedom to the Middle East, and ninety to manage Halliburton’s indefinite time/indefinite quantity, no-bid emergency lighting infrastructure maintenance/modernisation/development contract. (To reward Poland’s contribution to Operation Iraqi Freedom, 2.9% of the contract value will be subcontracted to Polish firms.)

  21. Gag Halfrunt  •  Oct 16, 2006 @1:58 pm

    Correction: To reward Poland’s contribution to Operation Iraqi Freedom, 2.9% of the contract value will be subcontracted to Halliburton (Poland) S.A.

  22. eap  •  Oct 16, 2006 @2:00 pm

    Actually, they have other priorities, so they would have the sons and daughters of the working masses do their dirty work..AND they’d make them pay for the lightbulb – no bid, cost-plus contract from Halliburton.

  23. RSA  •  Oct 16, 2006 @3:44 pm

    How many Neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, who can manage the task while simultaneously playing forty games of chess. . .as long as all of it happens in a gym somewhere.

  24. Julie O.  •  Oct 16, 2006 @4:45 pm

    How many neocons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    I entered the equation into my Neocon-puter and came up with infinity.

    Screwing in a lightbulb is a positive, constructive accomplishment. Neocons can’t do it.

  25. Swami  •  Oct 16, 2006 @4:56 pm

    Well. we can always look to the inverse to find a more challenging question…How many lightbulbs does it take to screw a neocon into reality?

  26. Bonnie  •  Oct 16, 2006 @6:54 pm

    Well, Maha, the above is proof of the very clever and witty readers you have. While I don’t fall in that category, I am a great audience and have enjoyed this immensely. ROFL. I going to take this to work and pass it around. Thanks to everyone!



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