Analyze This

Hard on the heels of the great menacing “X” panic — now a large segment of the Right Blogosphere has persuaded itself that the United States Postal Service is dissing Christianity and will stop issuing Madonna and Child Christmas stamps. Never mind that the USPS features the Madonna and Child stamps on its web site. According to this blogger, who got it from her mom who got it from a clerk at the local post office, the USPS will no longer print Madonna and Child stamps, so there will be no more when the current stock runs out. Further, the clerks have been instructed not to wish customers Merry Christmas; it’s Happy Holidays only.

Roger Ailes is claiming victory. Of course, we’re dealing with people whose spokespersons are still claiming a link between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda. It doesn’t take much …

So I’m trying to think of some utterly absurd rumor about dissing Christmas I can plant in some little corner of the blogosphere. Then we can hold a contest to guess how many seconds it takes for Michelle Malkin to report it. Suggestions?

Update: See World o’ Crap on the great post office stamp massacre.

Next atrocity: Liberals ban reruns of the “Peanuts Christmas Television Special.” (Yeah, that’s good. The righties would believe it. Then we’ll tell them we’re putting drugs in the eggnog.)

12 thoughts on “Analyze This

  1. How about “Some liberals in America are teaching that three middle-eastern emirs were rumored to have been involved in the pay-off of the mother of Christ. According to these rumors, they paid off the mother of our Lord in gold and precious HERBS.”

    “This is just another example of the liberal agenda to besmirch the honor of our Lord.”

    Whaddya think, Maha? HERBS!!! I think Ann Coulter’s gonna be on this like white on rice.

  2. Hmm, the wise men were probably Zoroastrians, which means they were probably Persians, which means they were … Iranians. Wow.

  3. Rumor has it that corporations are ordering their office workers not to call their annual gift-giving “Secret Santas” any more because Santa is endemic to Christmas, so they’re calling it [insert cleverer phrase than I could think up] instead…

  4. Generic Dollar Stores: Havens for communist sympathizers or big box heaven for the shamelessly un-third-generation-wealthy?

    You decide!

  5. Thanks, Maha, your mind is quicker than mine. Iranians. There it is, people! I think that’s the “smoking gun” needed to justify our holy war!

    (Sits waiting now for a knock on the door, followed by quick and quiet arrest by men in dark suits. See y’all next turn on the wheel.)

  6. Start a rumor that Santa,trees, and retail stores are all connected to al qaeda (ie known terra–ist training camp(s) at the north pole) to steal Christmas from the christians,,it has been in the works for decades and i’ll be darned if some clever rightie didn’t catch us during the final step(change the term “merry christmas” to “happy holidays”).
    Anyone who exchanges gifts, puts up a tree or takes their snot nosed kid to see santa is AIDING the terrorists,, giving comfort and support to our lights and wreaths,mistletoe and stockings hung from the chimney with care help the terra-ists to win.
    Oh i got it,,, start the rumor that some store will no longer be carrying natavity scenes for sale…or that some cookie company will no longer be making “christmas” cookies , but instead they will now be called holiday cookies.
    Start a rumor that all the other religions are banding together to demand equal time for all of their holiday occasions .. that will send them over the edge.

  7. You DO know about the Musical currently in production (executive producer Tim Robbins, written by Harvey Firestine) about Jesus” secret gay life ? The details are closely guarded, but rumor has it that Robbin Williams will star as Baby Jesus, and Madonna will play the part of (you guessed it!) the “Madonna”.The three “Wisemen” are computer generated images of Larry, Moe, And Curley. Cathy Griffin plays Mary Maggdeline, and Mel Brooks has the part of Pontias Pilate. Fabio is featured as adult Jesus in the scene where Firestine sings “I don’t know how to love you” Several “Village People” tunes have been slightly altered for the show, the song “In the Navy” Is “Heres’ the Baby”, and that disco favorite “It’s Raining Men” has been redone as “It’s raining Myrr”.
    The opening manger scene is reported to be hilarious, with the face of Robin Williams on the baby Jesus and Williams’ trademark rapid fire improvisation .Eddy Murphy and Chris Rock provide voices for the donky and chicken in the manger scene.The village people are featured as members of the 12 apostles, along with Al Franken,Bill Mahr, the origional cast members from “La Cage”, and the three dudes from “Queer eye”. The “Queer eye” boys are also in charge of wardrobe, and commented ” those swaddling clothes will have to go, we’re going for a more festive look”
    Firestine said “Christmas is sooo commercialized, I just wanted to put the “Gay” back into
    the holiday season, and Robbin is just precious as the baby Jesus”

    The production “Make the yule tide Gay Forever” is set to open next week in Paris, France

  8. erinyes– ROTFL

    My suggestion is not nearly as witty. Start a rumor that Massachusetts (gasp!) is passing a law mandating a return to the Christmas celebrations of the Puritan founders, which is to say NO celebration, and everybody has to work on the 25th, just like any other day.

    The righties will be in a tizzy trying to decide whether to take the deal if only they can resume witch burning….

  9. Start a rumor that some godless liberal in Massachusetts has sued to keep X-mas from being a Federal holiday because it’s a violation of church and state separation.

  10. Q. Who was the biggest bitch in history?

    A. Mary..because the bible says, she rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.

    Ok, maybe it’s not a kneeslapper, but it is some good blasphemy, no?

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