Profiting from Polarity


From How to Win a Fight With a Conservative, by Daniel Kurtzman, comes a seven question, scien-terrific test, designed to show you What Breed of Liberal Are You? (don’t you like being told that you’re a breed?). I took the test and found that I’m a "Peace Patroller" – check out these nearly useless distinctions:

  • Peace Patrollers, also known as anti-war liberals or hippies—believe in putting an end to American imperial conquest, stopping wars that have already been lost, and supporting our troops by bringing them home.
  • Eco-Avengers, also known as environmentalists or tree huggers—believe in saving the planet from the clutches of air-fouling, oil-drilling, earth-raping conservative fossil fools.
  • Social Justice Crusaders, also known as rights activists—believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.
  • Working Class Warriors, also known as blue-collar Democrats—believe that the little guy is getting screwed by conservative greed-mongers and corporate criminals, and you’re not going to take it anymore.
  • Reality-Based Intellectualists, also known as the liberal elite—are proud members of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.
  • New Left Hipsters, also known as liberals, Netroots activists, or Daily Show fanatics—believe that if we really want to defend American values, conservatives must be exposed, mocked, and assailed for every fanatical, puritanical, warmongering, Constitution-shredding ideal for which they stand.

Kurtzman also wrote a companion volume, How to Win a Fight With a Liberal, which astonishingly appeared at the very same time as his first book. It also comes with a seven question test of its very own. Clearly the guy is a genius, the kind that has a shrewd eye for opportunity (and that is not a slam, although it sounds like it). If it’s too hard to bring people together, we can instead find a way to profit from the Culture War. I’m not really condemning Kurtzman – I sort of wish I had thought of this, paralleling those moments when I wish I had come up with that famous icon of kitsch, the Ronco Vegematic.

On a more serious note, does anyone still feel the need for the kind of assistance the first book tries to provide? There was a long period of time when I felt beleaguered and overwhelmed by belligerant conservative behavior and rhetoric, but not any more. This receded due to the failures of conservative ideology and its politicians, and in the meantime, we libs have gotten stronger and more confident in standing these people down.

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  1. c u n d gulag  •  Jul 14, 2007 @10:11 am

    I took the test, and I’m a proud “Reality-Based Intellectualist!”

    I tried to take the Conservative test, but there we NO choice’s I could even think of clicking on. They were far too extreme.
    Am I wrong to not even be able to anwer ONE of those questions?
    I don’t think so…

    However, this proves that his question’s are as badly skewed one way as the other.
    How about combining the two? Or coming up with some REAL choice’s? Not like: “Which book would you take with you on a space voyage, “The Bible,” or “The Martian Chronicle’s?”

    What a waste of time…
    Except to reinforce that I am reality-based…
    Thank the God’s for that!
    Ooops, now that I’ve said that, I can’t give an invocation at the opening of Congress without Dominionist nit-wit’s shouting me down…
    Oh, well…

  2. Mike  •  Jul 14, 2007 @3:12 pm

    If you took the test, then you must still need the help.

  3. Swami  •  Jul 14, 2007 @3:38 pm

    If you want to profit from the culture war, stake a claim with Jesus. You can make up anything and peddle it as the word of God. Self help guides to Intercessory prayer are now all the rage in Christian circles. The properity gospel returns a good dividend also. I see Oral’s boy, Richard Roberts, is tilling the field and preparing for the harvest to come. He’s preaching a ten fold return on the applied principles of sowing and reaping. Not even a good mutual fund pays that well.

    Look a Rick Warren and his mega hit..”The Purpose Driven Life” I think he sold around 11 million copies.. and the guy who wrote “the Prayer of Jabez”..another author who hit the big time by taking an obscure passage from the Old Testament and spinning it into gold,just like Rumpelstiltskin did with straw.

  4. moonbat  •  Jul 15, 2007 @6:47 pm

    Swami, comment 3: Hmmmmmm….. There’s lots to consider here…:-)