The Truth About Obamacare

First, you should know that the FreedomWorks special ops unit that kidnapped invited me to an undisclosed location for discussion has treated me very well. I must say, that sodium pentathol stuff does clear your mind! And now that I’ve agreed to tell the truth about Obamacare, my hosts have turned off the Christian rock music they had been playing for me nonstop for several hours through concert-size speakers. I really appreciate that.

OK, so they caught us on the death panels. We might as well come clean. I know H.R.3200 doesn’t say anything about death panels, but it’s written in invisible ink between the lines in section 805, “TERMINATION OF ELECTION IN CASES OF SUBSTANTIAL NONCOMPLIANCE.” We liberals were coached to tell you that provision is about employers who don’t offer health benefits, but if you hold the paper under the right kind of lamp you see what it really says — If you don’t comply, you will be terminated.

In fact, the death panels have already met and made their determinations, and the death panel squads are ready to deploy as soon as they get the go-ahead from Kathleen Sebelius. But here’s another hint: If the death panel squads surround your house and ask you to surrender, all is not lost. You can invoke section 202, “EXCHANGE-ELIGIBLE INDIVIDUALS AND EMPLOYERS.” That means if you are on the death list, you may be eligible to be exchanged for someone else. If they accept your petition for review, that should give you at least six weeks to pack up and get out of the country. See? It’s not so bad.

I know the death panel thing sounds harsh, but you may be reassured to know they are faith-based death panels. The President has even been working with a group of rabbis to be sure that death panel determinations do not reflect anti-Jewish bias.

Of course, the ultimate goal is to get people to worship government as their religion. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that. But, y’know, once everyone realizes that Government Is God, they’ll accept the death panels. God’s will, and all that.

You’ll notice that several sections of H.R.3200 refer to “Medicare Part A.” What you don’t know is that the “A” stands for “Amabo,” which is “Obama” spelled backward. Medicare Part Amabo refers to a program in which older people will be bused to Canada, where the Canadian government has agreed to set them adrift on ice floes. This will not only lower health care costs, but will also save Social Security! Win-win!

You might argue that there has been a “Medicare Part A” for many years, but that just shows you how organized we liberals are. We’ve had this program secretly in place even before Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare bill. The same operatives who planted Obama’s birth announcement in those Hawaiian newspapers in 1961 were already working out the deal with Canada. President Kennedy balked, but we took care of him, didn’t we?

As you know, we liberals were born with a genetic defect that gives us an uncontrollable urge to spend money and raise taxes. We claim we just want to have good government, but that’s just the excuse. We also want people to die on operating tables just so we can watch.

And once we get the health care/tax increase deal done, it’s on to the next project — changing the name of the country to “Union of Fascist-Socialist Republics.” It’s been the plan all along.

That’s all I know. Maybe there’s more, but since I’m a low-level operative there’s a lot they don’t tell me. And I’m sure I’ll see all of you soon, as soon as the nice man from United Health Care agrees to remove the electrodes.

30 thoughts on “The Truth About Obamacare

  1. I had forgotten that dependence on God was so important to the ‘Right’. It reminds me of the lessons that England wanted to teach the Irish during the famine of the 1850s. The English believed that individual responsibility and ‘character’ were so important that starving people were made to work building and unbuilding roads as they slowly starved to death on 800 calories a day. They died but did they ever have character and independence.

  2. Oh, shit, now you’ve gone and spilled the beans, Maha. Now the Wolverines will have time to organize resistance in the Heartland…and we were so close to implementing Islamogaynuptialsociacommunaboritiofascism, too.

    Seriously, how many of those fools do you suppose will come over here and believe every word you’ve written is true?

  3. O. M. G. Lime-flavored fizzy water really burns when it goes up the nose.

    Thank you so, so much for writing that. Genius. And I desperately needed the laughs, even with the nasal burn.

  4. btw, which operatives did we send back to 1961, again? Was it James Kirk, or that mysterious guy with the British accent who so aptly calls himself “The Doctor”?

  5. Oh, Maha, what will it take for you to come out and admit the awful truth? The real reason Obama wants to kill of all the old people is to ensure a steady supply of blood so that he and all the other Space Lizards can maintain their human forms.

  6. Medicare Part Amabo refers to a program in which older people will be bused to Canada, where the Canadian government has agreed to set them adrift on ice floes. This will not only lower health care costs, but will also save Social Security! Win-win!

    I think the entire plan actually calls for them old folks to be eaten by the starving polar bears, thus repairing Medicare, saving Social Security and saving polar bears. Win-win-WIN!

  7. The real reason Obama wants to kill of all the old people
    Not all old people. Just old white people. That’s the main (secret) role of the Obama Youth Corps. (AKA “Barack’s Storm Troopers”.)

  8. maha,
    This has been going on longer than either you knew, or were told.
    Judge Crater ‘disappeared’ in 1930, prior to FDR’s election, because he was the key architect of the Social Security program that was being bandied about in Liberal circles. With him went his secret: How we get security as a society by gassing all of the old people. It was then bungled and turned into a program that (HORROR’S!) helped old people.
    Many think Hitler, prior to HIS election, got wind of this and kidnapped the Judge, using his idea to kill the Jew’s, who were even more useless than old people in Germany.
    Please eliminate all traces of this post and our comments. All of this may be against The Geneva Concention. Oh yeah, never mind, we don’t pay any attention to that either. Like our Constitution, it’s just a “piece of paper.”

    BTW – I don’t need to say this to the group that comments here, but to anyone new, please don’t get offended at the line about Jewish people. It was part of the gag. I most certainly am not an anti-Semite.

  9. You should be thankful that you got blasted with some groovy Christian rock… They could have warped your brain with a continual high volume chorus of Blessed Assurance, or John Ashcroft’s rendition of Jesus hold my hand.

  10. amabo = ‘I will love’

    Can we glean any meaning from the use of the future imperfect tense?

  11. Bill, that’s just uncalled for. The Space Lizards don’t care what color your skin is as long as your blood is a sweet, delicious red.

  12. Maha, a masterpiece too funny. I clicked on one of those links and smoke escaped from my laptop, do you think Obama is watching me too?.

  13. And now Tom Ridge has gone over to the dark side. Oh the humanity. Are the rubes the only decent liberty loving patriots left fighting Darth Satan?

  14. Joan,
    He’s actually more like a snake than a lizard. Why? ‘Cause he didn’t stand up for the people. Instead of being a viper who could have struck at those who trod on us, he slithered away like a toothless snake trying to save his skin(s).
    Worthless humanoid…

  15. Maha,

    I’m sure glad you left out the part of how liberals invented the global warming hoax to encourage old folks to move north so that they’d freeze to death.

    You do realize that everything you’ve revealed here will be Rush Limbaugh’s talking points tomorrow morning, don’t you?

    Here’s to the New World Order!

  16. Just got back from visiting my 100 year-old uncle (going to turn 101 in December) in the hospital, here in fascist-socialist Canada where we kill the old folks.

    He was admitted Monday after suffering a slight heart attack. He has undergone a series of tests to see exactly what, if any, damage was done to his heart. They even sent him (by ambulance) to another hospital in the city for further tests today.

    The strangest thing is that no-one from the government death panel came to check on him…

  17. Does anybody know how I can land a job on one of those death panels? I could use the work, and I don’t have any problems with pulling the plug on grandma. I’ll send her off into eternity without giving it a second thought.

  18. Canadian Reader,
    The fact that the ‘death panels’ missed him is is obviously due to the ineffeciency of your socialist, fascist, communist, nihilist health care model. In our efficient, market-driven system, the poor SOB wouldn’t have had to worry about getting a free trip to another hospital since he would have had about a -1% chance of living past 75.
    Think about all of the money your government would have saved by letting the private companies deny the public option and have your Uncle depend on the markets. Sure, your Uncle would be long dead (since the early Reagan years), but he would be a living, scratch that, a tremendous example to a free market system.
    No lingering; no MALINGERING!
    Ah, market efficiency!

  19. Talk of the Irish and the excellent discipline imposed on them always makes me (a lifelong Anglophile, btw, but one has to face facts) think of the old Clancy Brothers song, “God Bless England”.

    They came and raised us from the slime,
    And kept our hands from hellish crime–
    And sent us to Heaven in their own good time,
    Wack fol the diddle lol the dido day.

    The true spirit of the character-building conservatives here.

    (Does anyone in the world know how blog software decides where it should put unecessary uncalled-for paragraph breaks? Just wondering as I look at the preview failing to format in the way I wrote it.)

  20. Oh joy, joy. Maha make haha. 🙂

    Good thing you came clean and are echoing the same thing my Senator, the Senator from Aetna, has been saying which means it must be true.

    Seriously though there was a little tea party here in SoCal Los Angeles’s South Bay near the beach. 80 people lined the street trying to get a few honks from passing motorists but all they got was nothing. I don’t think they were even from the local community here, which is a fairly literate place, because a lot of the signs were mis-spelled. It reminded me of the blog in which you cited research indicating that most racists are oblibious to the fact that most of the world doesn’t think exactly like they do. It was kind of comical…those people seemed to think that everyone driving by was in agreement. Maybe ignorant is second cousin to racist.

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