There’s Crazy, and Then There’s Really Crazy

On the long continuum between mildly addled and certifiably psychotic, I say Montana State Representative Krayton Kerns has hit the latter end and is about to topple off into the abyss. (Hat tip Charles Pierce) On his blog, Kerns writes,

This winter, under the cloak of darkness and against Montana Code, 60 bison were relocated from the quarantine facilities of Yellowstone National Park (YNP) to the Fort Peck Reservation along the Missouri Breaks. This is the second of a four step process to crush the republic and bring our populace into perfect dependence on big government—just as Karl Marx dreamed. If you missed steps one and two, you will likely refuse to acknowledge steps three and four, but I will explain them anyway.

According to Kerns, the first step was Bambi. Bambi persuaded us that animals deserve compassion, which established environmentalism as a religion. “Simultaneously and incrementally, government schools began promoting the religion of environmentalism until eventually state sponsored worship of the earth and creation surpassed worship of our Creator.”

Step two, the “US Senate discussed legislation to designate the bison as our national mammal, while activists quietly acquired conservation easements and commandeered Montana water rights through the Clean Water Act. The noose of federal control quietly tightened around massive tracts of Montana’s Missouri Breaks, and just as planned, 60 YNP bison appeared on the Fort Peck Reservation.” He’s talking about federal territory administered by the Bureau of Land Management, plus the Fort Peck Reservation, a reservation for the Assiniboine and Sioux nations.

In Step Three, the bison will overpopulate and stampede across the badlands or the prairie or whatever they’ve got in Montana that bison can stampede over, and then we reach Step Four:

The world’s economy will grind to a halt due to instability in the Middle East driving the price of gasoline over $25 per gallon. In desperation, America will attempt to develop the massive Bakken oil reserves of Montana and North Dakota only to learn a future leftist president has issued a moratorium on all oil exploration to protect the habitat of our national mammal, the noble, YNP-origin, American Bison. Think about it.

Think about it. I say we round up all those bison and attach ’em to giant turbines and make ’em stampede round and round and round. Who needs oil?

Seriously, I am something of an aficionado of goofy conspiracy theories, and this is probably the most awesome goofy conspiracy theory I’ve come across in a long time. There’s a kind of perverse genius to it. Kerns needs to be medicated, of course.

18 thoughts on “There’s Crazy, and Then There’s Really Crazy

  1. Medicating this guy will be made more difficult by his probable refusal of gubmint medicine, so perhaps we could encourage some Montanans to have bake sales and car washes to raise funds to help Mr. Kerns.

  2. I love it! Is the poor fool aware that in 2006, the state of Montana gave native Americans the right to hunt bison outside of Yellowstone?
    Maybe starving Indians are bad PR for those tough guys out there.
    In another leftist plot, that darn Jane Fonda married Ted Turner and persuaded him to raise bison for meat on his Montana ranch.

  3. Bison are pretty darned strong, but I had no idea they were powerful enough to topple a nation. Maybe with a big enough fulcrum…

  4. “Mrs. Kerns, I dropped the baby on its head – and then, while he was a-lyin’ there, a bison come-along and kicked ‘im in the head. I’m sorry – it was uh accident.”,

    This is really epic!

    The only thing he missed, was including the UN, Soviet and Chinese Communists cloning the bison, black helicopters landing them, and Atheists praying for the death of America.

    I’ll call this ‘The Half Kerns,’ until such time as he includes my suggestions above, and gives us “The Full Kerns!”

    Who votes for crazy people like this?
    “Yup Martha, that man’s as solid as a rock, and as sane as you ‘n me!”

    Remind me to stay out of Montana – and I’ll remind you!

  5. Bambi and his mother had, wait for it — CLOVEN HOOVES!

    BAMBI IS – SATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Bambi grew up to have horns on his head–Satan for sure!

    The banks had “too big to fail”. Here we have a case of “too dumb to flail”. Even in sparsely populated MT, there must be citizens more competent than a guy who reads conspiracy theories in Disney movies. Especially Disney movies that were in the can well before the Cold War.

  7. What a country! It’s lovely to live in a land with such diversity of ideas.

    It’s a clear sign of how small the population of Montana is that this guy is a state rep. In Manhattan, there are so many people that instead of getting elected, guys with ideas like this are forced to stand on street corners and random locations throughout the island, ranting out loud to passersby.

    It’s a little charming that there’s still anyone who believes that anywhere in the nation would be safe from drilling if gas went up to $25/gallon, and to think it would be because someone moved a bunch of bison back to land that once-upon-a-time they roamed by the thousands, well, that’s just sweet.

    What’s truly insane is thinking that anyone would stop ExxonMobil from turning those critters into tasty burgers if they were in the way of cheap gas in a crisis.

  8. Makes me wonder what is behind the groundhog that has decimated my lettuce! Hmmm, a European import destroying my green — could that be a sign from Dog or FSM that the financial crisis across the pond will cause dreadful harm to my money? I wonder what Kerns would think?

  9. I haven’t laughed this hard in a really long time ….. truly it made my day 🙂
    For sure the “most awesome goofy conspiracy theory” I’ve had the privilege to encounter.

  10. Here’s some MORE CRAZY!
    From former two-second Republican Presidential candidate, and (soon to be ex-) Congressman Thad McCotter (R – Bedlam) – a TV script idea.

    I’m really starting to believe that Area 51 was real, and that the aliens who landed there are out here amongst us, feckin’ with us for their own amusement.

    Hey – I’m crazy too!

  11. Lynne,
    Nah – I’m not unbalanced enough to balance him! 🙂

    Almost no one is.
    No. Wait. There are plenty more R-loons in both houses of Congress. He actually seems kind of quirky compared to the real R-loons there.

  12. Mass politics is depressing.

    Remember Leni Riefenstahl’s “Triumph of the Will?”

    It always amazed me that people could intentionally put in charge of their country a national association of fat, middle aged guys who spent their weekends marching around in cub scout uniforms.

  13. Pingback: Have We Hit Peak Wingnut Yet? Meet the Marxist Bison | Mike the Mad Biologist

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