I’ll give her a B. No one has ever surpassed the monologue by Stephen Colbert of a few years ago. But Wolf got off some good lines.
It is kind ofÂ crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with RussiaÂ when the Hillary campaign wasn’t even in contact with Michigan. It’s a direct flight; it’s so close.
Of course, Trump isn’t here, if you haven’t noticed. He’s not here.Â And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself.Â But it turns out the president of the United States is the one p—y you’re not allowed to grab.
Republicans are easy to make fun of. It’s like shooting fish in a Chris Christie. But I also want to make fun of Democrats. DemocratsÂ are harder to make fun of because you guys don’t do anything.
People think you might flip the House andÂ Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. You’re somehowÂ going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor. Oh, he’s a doctor?
We should definitely talkÂ about the women in the Trump administration. There’s Kellyanne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does: Conway. It’s like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small T–s.
You guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne on your shows.Â All she does is lie. If you don’t give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie.Â It’s like that old saying: If a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree?
Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruitt’s definition of porn. Yeah, we all have our kinks.
And, of course, we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders.Â We’reÂ graced with Sarah’s presence tonight. I have to say I’m a little star-struck.Â I love you as Aunt Lydia in â€œThe Handmaid’s Tale.â€
Mike Pence, if you haven’t seen it, you would love it.
Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I’m not really sure what we’re going to get: you know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. â€œIt’s shirts and skins, and this time, don’t be such a little b—-,Â Jim Acosta.â€
And I’m never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders. You know, is it Sarah Sanders? Is Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Is it Cousin Huckabee? Is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, what’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women?Â Oh, I know: Aunt Coulter.
We’ve got our friends at CNN here. Welcome, guys, it’s great to have you. You guys love breaking news, and you did it. You broke it. Good work.
The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
Fox News is here.Â So, you know what that means, ladies: Cover your drinks. Seriously.
Trump is so broke.
[AUDIENCE: How broke is he?]
He grabs p—ies ’cause he thinks there might be loose change in them.
Here is Colbert’s alternative reality video: